When I first sat down to write this, it was supposed to be about finding love after divorce. I would argue that is still true about this piece, it just looks different than what I had originally thought. I thought I would be writing about a person who would love me for who I am, stick by me, and show me how great relationships can truly be when they are the right ones. And you know what? That is still exactly what I found. It just so happened to not look like what I had pictured for myself.
Instead of finding myself in the perfect, happy relationship with the man of my dreams, I found myself in a happy and rewarding friendship with a woman, potentially of my dreams. I had not thought about how platonic friends could be dreamed of and sought. We think about our perfect romantic partners, but we do not necessarily think about our perfect friendships. I think that is a shame and it is now something in the back of my mind. Even before all this happened, I had set the intention to meet more incredible women and widen my circle of friends. I spoke this out loud to several people in the hope they would hold me accountable. This happened while I was in a relationship with my almost-perfect man.
I am not entirely sure I believe in love at first sight (I think it might be more lust), but I know fairly quickly if a person will, there’s no other word for it, vibe with me. How a person speaks or types, not to mention the content of their words, lands heavily with me within a few minutes. So, while maybe there is not love at first sight, I think there is friendship at first sight.
When I met this potential platonic woman of my dreams, it was under an extremely charged situation. Of course, having to do with my not perfect (for me) man. She had reached out to tell me things that I might not have known about the person I was dating at the time. Apparently, my boyfriend was also her boyfriend. In this original conversation and in subsequent conversations, she had mentioned how terrified she was to reach out to me. Not knowing anything about me or my knowledge, she was unsure how I would react to hearing what she had to say. These feelings were, in my opinion, completely understandable and valid. How many times have we heard about a woman or women telling another woman something she did not want to know, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship, and she reacts defensively? In some cases, we, as women, do not want to puncture our seemingly perfect worlds. Occasionally, we will do anything to keep our rose-colored glasses properly on our noses. She knew there was a chance I would lash out at her, not believe anything she said, create some drama, or all the above. The worst part? I completely could have. And yet, she still told me.
I would like to state here and now that I will never blame another woman for what a man does. It does not matter how informed they are or their own reasons for playing the game. I think that could make it more difficult to swallow right away, but ultimately the blame will never land with her (in my mind). A person would not know this about me until they met me though. After confirming the information I now had and breaking off the relationship, I reached back out to her with an offering of friendship.
We were both advised this might not be the smartest idea. The situation this woman and I had found ourselves in was enough to form a trauma bond and for the reason explained above, in these types of situations, women can often turn on each other. Even in my close circle of friends, we have discussed potential situations we would need to reveal to another woman. Would we do it? The consensus was on the fence. I did not see it that way and knew we had more in common than what had originally brought us together. I was not fazed in the slightest. I knew what I had seen in this woman, and I wanted her to be a part of my life. She just happened to be going through something akin to what I was going through, but I believed we could help each other and create something beautiful along the way. And I was correct.
With how our friendship began, we immediately had to trust each other. This, I believe, has led to a friendship that already feels deeply committed and fulfilling. It was a delicate balance between sharing our lives with each other without focusing on our shared lives. It took time, but there are days we have not even mentioned the past. We have baked in the sunshine, tasted new cocktails, gabbed about the books we are reading, fawned over fall, and talked (still talk) every day. Over countless lunches and drinks and chats, we have been able to heal and focus on our futures. Nurturing this friendship has also helped me be better in my other friendships.
This quote from Alyssa Cole’s ‘Let Us Dream’ reminds me how important it is to have women in your corner, “Women helped each other in ways small and large every day, without thinking, and that was what kept them going even when the world came up with new and exciting ways to crush them.” The world came in to crush us and we did not let it, all because she was brave enough to reach out and speak her truth. Female friendships are some of the most rewarding relationships I have had the honor to have in my life.
When I left my marriage, I had hopes of finding a fulfilling romantic relationship. What I found instead was just how deep and fulfilling nonromantic love could be through the women in my life. Speak your intentions to the universe and the universe just might give you exactly what you did not know you needed. I wanted to meet more women and make new friends. And I did. It just turns out, I had to let go of what and who was holding me back first. I don’t know if Carrie Bradshaw was entirely correct, but “maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
Written by Hannah Jordan.
